So this is where I’m at…

 I know when you're young your life seems like an endless bound of possiblilities. You think about being a teacher, an actor, a princess, or in my half Asian household growing up, the only correct dream... a doctor. Then as you go to school, your interests change and you start to narrow down who and what you want to be. Somehow and some where in there, I think I missed that train. To which has lead me to now, nearly 40 years old and still wondering what I'm going to be when I get older. Except at my age it isn't cute anymore, it's just really sad. 

 I could blame my aimlessness on the fact that every idea of who I wanted to be growing up was shot down by my Mum, because either A) it wasn't a doctor or lawyer, or B) I wasn't going to make enough money in the field I was contemplating. Ha! I showed her, I became a minimum wage slave. Hopefully the scarcasm is read there. I could blame my Father for dying when I was 17 and not forcing me to go to University. Making something more of myself at a younger age than it took him to get to his career. But that subject is a whole nother can of worms in its self... Or where the blame truly lies, myself. The only thing I ever wanted to be was a Mother. I've accomplished that a few times over, but you don't make a career from being a Mum. Well, unless your surname is Jenner/Kardashian... 

 It's not that I hadn't tried school. After graduating high school, I did an apprenticeship in hairdressing. I liked the creativity of it, but hated the corporate expectations of working for a chain salon. At that time I also tried going to a local Community College. Working fulltime and taking classes... Phew. I truly admire those who can. I honestly couldn't. Plus throw in the fact that I was taking classes to make my Mum happy, was making descent money already in my day job and didn't feel the need to waste time going to school when I didn't know what I wanted the end result to be. So I quit going to school. Then I met a guy. Isn't that always the case? He was in the military and moving overseas and I decided to leave everything in the States and follow him. Oh, the regrets there... 

 We got married 10 months after I moved overseas and I got pregnant around 2 months after that. Stereotypical military story. After 2 kids and a few moves, we got divorced. I went back to where I grew up and hit the ground running, trying to find anything to support my kids, now that I was a single Mum. Taking the first job I was offered ie. before mentioned minimum wage slave. Now you're probably wondering why I didn't just go back to being a hairdresser. Because I never finished the apprenticeship. And then the kicker on top of that. I actually tried going to Cosmetology school... Twice. I truly hated it. But I went and wasted money because it was what I knew and didn't feel like I had any other options. 

 So here I am, an almost 40 year old Frenchie (Beauty School Dropout - Grease) and I've added 2 more kids to the mix. Which creates an even more of a "What am I? Who am I?" I'm not satisfied in my "9-5", but what is going to satify me? Who do I want to be now that I'm grown up? Should I even be wondering that when I should just be satisfied that in this economy I have a job? I want to be someone my children are proud of and at the same time I also want to be proud of myself. Do I jump into the abyss of my midlife crisis and risk the income and insurance that keep us from living in a cardboard box? I can't be the only out here feeling like this or am I? Do people even still read blogs when YouTube, TikTok, and video recording yourself is what feels like the norm?